Two years ago today I woke up in a hospital room after the first of what would be two major surgeries, nine weeks apart. At this time two years ago, I was still waiting to hear what the results of the surgical pathology were, and in fact, what surgery had been done – had I woken up with cancer and in menopause, or just missing an ovary and a fallopian tube, and healthy? The result ended up being a third option they hadn’t prepared me for – a precancerous tumour that would ultimately still cost me my entire reproductive system.
I’m thinking about that day a bit today. Mostly because, two years on, I’m still dealing with daily fallout from those surgeries. I think most people expect that it’s in my past, that I’ve moved on, and I suppose, in some ways I have. But also, I’m in daily pain from an incisional hernia where my surgical incisions never properly healed. I take an extra daily medication to manage the gastrointestinal side effects of that same hernia. And I deal with muscle aches and pain caused largely by my lack of ability to use my or strengthen my core, due to the hernia.
It’s been a bit of an odd few days, with highs and lows. I was accepted into graduate school this week, with plans to start in September. That’s a pretty big high. And, if I’m honest, maybe one that wouldn’t have happened had I not been forced by the reality of a tumour diagnosis to reconsider what I wanted out of life. And this, this is something I’ve wanted for a long time. But also, it’s been two years and I’m still suffering physically, and we never would have predicted that, when it turned out to not be cancer.
I’m holding these things in my hands, the ongoing suffering and the newfound joy, and considering them. I feel curious and maybe a little melancholy today, and as I consider those two things, I think that curiosity and melancholy are probably the right mix of emotions in this situation.
Lisa From Canada 